How do you work with fear?

Uncovering the three kinds of fears and debunking aspirational quotes

I will start with a bold statement: fighting fear is overrated. It makes for a good quote. The question is more: how do you work with fear? Not in spite of it.

I identified three categories of fear. And I invite you on this little voyage.

I used to love this quote from George Addair ‘Everything you've ever wanted is sitting on the other side of fear’. Common wisdom says if you want to do something worthwhile with your life, you must cope with fear. We all know that narrative.

Indeed, this applies to many situations. In relationships, you fear being vulnerable, but without true vulnerability, there is no hope for beauty and ‘realness’ in friendships or love.

Sometimes, you reach a point where you need to leave your job, and you’re terrified of what's next, but you jump anyway. Same in business. The examples of overcoming the petrifying power of fear are endless.

But this is only one category of fear: the one that you must grapple with to get what you believe you deserve. It will hold you back if you let it because it is nothing but an illusion, and so if you act anyways, you find yourself at the centre of all these aspirational quotes. Just Google it and you’ll see.

Now, there are two other categories that nobody mentions. They don’t appear in motivational speeches and they don’t sell coaching programmes: 1/ The fear you should absolutely listen to and 2/ The fear that is so deep-seated that you have to respect it even if it’s not rational.

The fear you should listen to is there for a reason: protection. That thing you’re planning to try could wipe you out: financially, emotionally or both. And maybe you don’t (yet) have the resilience to sustain the damage. So you want to plan accordingly. That fear is interesting: it simply means you should assess the situation and de-risk it as much as possible before jumping. Starting a business? Think about how much saving feels comfortable or keep a side gig to keep you afloat. Dating someone with multiple red flags? Take time to reassess. Going on a hike when your longest walk was a block down to the corner shop? Read up on safety protocols, use the right gear, learn how to read a map, etc.

Last category, and also the most difficult to explain: the fear that generates relentless deep-seated anxiety that won’t leave you. It’s baked into your unconscious and nervous system and there is no amount of rationalising (or therapy) that will make it go away. Act in spite of it and its waves of terror will wipe you out. It’s a fear that on paper makes no sense, but in your body feels like you’re survival is at stake. A very easy example is the fear of financial insecurity. AKA fear of death.

When I left my (well-paid) job to start something else, things were okay(ish) for a few months because I had some savings. But starting something else takes a bit longer than a few months. And much longer than I expected! Transitions can take years, and if (if!) you manage to bring a business to profitability, this also takes time. So anyhow, I started freaking out. But it was well beyond the normal boundaries of freak out. It felt like I was going to die. I got triggered to the nth degree. I don’t know why exactly. I’m not a specialist in money psychology, although I read about it ad nauseum. But I gathered a few clues: 1/ You inherit some of it from your parents (mine were very risk averse), 2/ Periods of financial trauma don’t help, 3/ Loads of other reasons but I won’t explore them here.

Anyhow, during that time, I tried to ‘push through it’, because I was deeply entrenched in the performance coaching literature (think Tony Robbins, Brandon Budchard, all the ‘aplha max max push it to achieve’ tribes of psycho-achievers) and I kept reading Arnold quotes about ‘no plan B’, etc. It makes me laugh thinking about it now…Anyhow, none of it worked and I was still terrified. All day, every day. Not only was I scared but I felt like a loser feeling that way.

And guess what? It’s hard to move forward with a constant sense of dread. I would go as far as to say that it sucks ass. It’s hard to be creative and bold and try stuff when every move feels like your life is at stake. There is no lightness. So if you can avoid having to cope with it, do so at all costs. It’s a different fear than the other two because it is deep within you. You have to work with it because you can not fight it. For the time being, we ought to respect it and be mindful of it and accept that it will take a long time for it to settle. I say that very humbly, you are allowed (and encouraged) to disagree and tell me off.

I was lucky enough to find other sources of income, and I cannot begin to describe how relaxed it made me feel. All my neuroticism and anxiety just melted away.

There are countless of other examples, please feel free to share them if you feel like by replying to this email. I’m curious to understand whether any of this makes sense.

Until next time,

Lina